Feeling Better

i feel better now

I just wanted to thank all of you for support and encouragement from my last post.  I am feeling much better and my thoughts have straightened out quite a bit.  The ground is not so shaky and I am seeing things in a better light.  A special thanks for those who commented:  Robert, Ulpal, Debbie, Jodi Lea, Noel and Laura.  You’re helpful insight and sober tools were a tremendous help.  Just knowing people care makes a big difference!  The world of blogging is truly amazing.  It never ceases to amaze me how people I have never met will reach out and give encouragement to a stranger.  There is still alot of love in this world and even though our world is in a fallen state, the love from people surely overcomes all evil.

I do realize I am not out of the woods yet and have to continue to be actively pursuing recovery on a daily basis.  Staying sober for me cannot be done without God and others like you.  It’s important that I keep my heart right with the Lord and stay in constant contact with Him.  Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit interjecting on my behalf when I am not able to pray.  It’s not that I am not able to pray, it’s more like I don’t always have the words to say what I need to say.  I especially find this to be true when I am in a darkened state of mind.  It’s like a barrier to prayer.

I am sure some of the people who read my blog may not have God as their Higher Power.  This is what works for me and I have tried many ways to remain sober in the past without God.  It never lasted.  I’m not quite sure how other people do it without God but I am sure there are many.  Although, I wonder how they get any peace and joy from not having God in their life.  But I will not judge your sobriety ways and ask you to not judge mine.  Do what works to remain sober.  Not everyone follows the same way and we all have to find what works.

So I have a very busy work week ahead of me and it starts in a couple hours so I better get ready for work.  Thanks again to all my friends who read this and may God bless all of us with peace and sober days this week.

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Too Many Thoughts…

white_knuckles

I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been having daily thoughts of drinking and using.  Justifying.  Rationalizing.  Contemplating.  I find myself fantasizing about it and even though I try to quickly think of something else, it inevitably creeps its way back into my head.  Even if I am successful with replacing these thoughts with something else, I wind up dreaming about it!!  Not only am I dreaming about it, I am enjoying it in my dreams.  The dream is usually the same in context.  The context being I am always trying to get the drug and most the time am not successful.  I feel the stress in my dreams.  Always searching, searching for it.  The rare occasion that I am successful in actually getting the drug, once I ingest it in some manner, I don’t get high from it.  The other night I had a powerful dream where I almost felt the high and woke up gasping and sat straight up in bed.

I’ve been emotional and very irritable.  People  are pissing me off.  Traffic is pissing me off.  Even a kind word from a stranger pisses me off.  I want a flippiin’ drink or a pill to chill me out.   Not one pill, many pills.  I’m craving a margarita or three or four.   I know there may be a few factors as to why I’m feeling like this but it doesn’t really matter what those factors are.  I’ve thought about going to an AA meeting but those people will just piss me off too.

I’ve been sober for over a year now.  So wtf is going on?  I realize I am on very dangerous ground here.  All of this has the ear marks of a relapse.  I’m worried.  I’m scared.  I want to cry.   I’m tired.  I hate this.   Prayer isn’t helping.  Reading sobriety blogs isn’t helping.  Reading my own blog isn’t helping.  Nothing is helping.  I’m essentially white knuckling it.  And that is pissing me off too.

Emotional Triggers

A “trigger” is something that can trigger you into having a drink or a drug.  It can be a person, place or thing that gives us an overwhelming desire to drink.  It can bolster a craving or give us unrelenting thoughts to pick and use.  Triggers can lead to a quick relapse without much thinking involved or a trigger can bolster a thought that just won’t shut up and over a short period of time leads us to drink.

I would say the hardest part of sobriety for me is dealing with emotions.  No one likes to be upset but an alcoholic deals with emotions differently than other people.  My instinct is to avoid negative and uncomfortable feelings.  My first instinct to escape and get rid of these feelings.  I’m dealing with something now in my life that has been causing my emotions to range from anger to fear to depression.glass-broken-glass-crack-red-water-Favim.com-559680  A relapse 10 months ago led to my first DUI.   Even after 10 months of sobriety, I get the urge to drink.  It’s not that I really want to drink.  I don’t want to!  What I want is to stop feeling this way.

For the past couple weeks my emotions have been up and down, up and down.  Every day.  I’ve been thinking waaaay too much about my life, but I’ve been in a horrible financial situation where it’s all I can think about.  I try to give my mind a rest but it ultimately goes back to my current situation.  Even  my prayers seem muddled and distracted with thoughts of fear and discomfort.  I ask God for help and then I feel a wave of fear and dread come over me.  It’s awful and I’ve been holding on tight and proud to say I have not picked up a drink.  My disease is telling me to though.  My disease is telling me it will be okay and I will be comforted by a few drinks.  “Just get some relief for a little while”, it tells me.  “You deserve it.  Stop worrying and give yourself some comfort”, it tells me.

First of all, these are all lies!!  This I know.  This I have experienced over and over again.  I have given into these lies so many times there is no calculator to hold the number.  What I have learned through the years is that after I have drank alcohol or have taken a drug, in the days to come, my depression and anxiety gets worse.  And I mean way worse!  The thought of me feeling worse outweighs the thought of getting a few hours of comfort from alcohol.  I don’t want to feel worse so that is why I don’t pick up right now.  I’ve had to go back to the basics these past couple weeks and live one day at a time.  Meaning, I tell myself, “just for today I will not drink.  Just get through the end of the day without drinking.”  By keeping my thoughts one day at a time, it makes it easier for me to handle the stress.  This is a fundamental truth taught in AA.  This is a concept that I urge everyone to grasp.  It’s not easy but when you wake up the next day and reflect on your previous day, it does give you a subtle comfort in knowing you conquered your demons one more day and didn’t pick up that drink no matter how awful you felt.  It is a victory by far!!

So today I make a decision to not drink or escape.  I am going to give my mind a rest.  I have to for sanity’s sake.  I have a heavy feeling over me, but I’m not going to let it lead me to relapse today.