Too Many Thoughts…

white_knuckles

I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been having daily thoughts of drinking and using.  Justifying.  Rationalizing.  Contemplating.  I find myself fantasizing about it and even though I try to quickly think of something else, it inevitably creeps its way back into my head.  Even if I am successful with replacing these thoughts with something else, I wind up dreaming about it!!  Not only am I dreaming about it, I am enjoying it in my dreams.  The dream is usually the same in context.  The context being I am always trying to get the drug and most the time am not successful.  I feel the stress in my dreams.  Always searching, searching for it.  The rare occasion that I am successful in actually getting the drug, once I ingest it in some manner, I don’t get high from it.  The other night I had a powerful dream where I almost felt the high and woke up gasping and sat straight up in bed.

I’ve been emotional and very irritable.  People  are pissing me off.  Traffic is pissing me off.  Even a kind word from a stranger pisses me off.  I want a flippiin’ drink or a pill to chill me out.   Not one pill, many pills.  I’m craving a margarita or three or four.   I know there may be a few factors as to why I’m feeling like this but it doesn’t really matter what those factors are.  I’ve thought about going to an AA meeting but those people will just piss me off too.

I’ve been sober for over a year now.  So wtf is going on?  I realize I am on very dangerous ground here.  All of this has the ear marks of a relapse.  I’m worried.  I’m scared.  I want to cry.   I’m tired.  I hate this.   Prayer isn’t helping.  Reading sobriety blogs isn’t helping.  Reading my own blog isn’t helping.  Nothing is helping.  I’m essentially white knuckling it.  And that is pissing me off too.

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. robertlfs
    Nov 07, 2013 @ 03:27:09

    I have always found that one of the best things for me in such situations is to get out of myself and be of service to others. That has meant at various points in time going to detox centers, delivering meals on wheels, walking on the side of the road and picking up trash, or just talking to someone else.

    Then there is all that stuff I got told in treatment a long time ago, like gratitude lists, etc. etc. that can be very effective too.

    I made a commitment to myself that if I was going to consider drinking again, I would call up some other person in recovery, or go to a meeting and announce my intention, and give them the chance to convince me otherwise. My concern has always been that I might not make it back into recovery again.

    And then the other thing that has always worked for me was to sit down and read the 12 & 12 from the beginning. I have never gotten past step 2 before the answer to whatever was messing with my head was found.

    In my experience, I find that there are a bunch of different tools to get me back in a good space in my recovery. If one doesn’t work, I try the other.

    Best wishes in your recovery process.

    Reply

    • Sober Chick
      Nov 07, 2013 @ 13:57:13

      Thank you for mentioning the different ways for me to get out this funk. I appreciate your support very much. I woke up feeling cruddy. Maybe i just need a day off. I’ve been working so much. I finally have a day off tomorrow and will work on some of the things you mentioned. Have a great day friend!

      Reply

  2. carrythemessage
    Nov 07, 2013 @ 05:09:47

    “I know there may be a few factors as to why I’m feeling like this but it doesn’t really matter what those factors are”

    Really? I would imagine that these things would be of great importance. Anything that is disturbing us needs to be examined…especially if we are spiraling in our minds. And you seem to be in emotional distress. The problem here, and you are quite direct here in what is going on with you, is that you are eliminating any other course of action other than substance use…you know what I mean? Your addictive mind wants you to forget the stuff that part of you knows is contributing to how you’re feeling, wants you to forget about any AA meeting, wants you to ignore others because they piss you off, tells you blogs, reading and prayer are BS…so then whatcha got left there??? Oh yeah, margaritas and pills.

    There are things at your disposal here – talking to someone about this (preferably an alcoholic or addict and/or someone who works with them), praying, meeting up with others, etc. And dealing with those pesky “few” factors that are contributing to your feeling the way you do.

    Getting out of self is the most important thing right now. You may not feel like it right now, but reaching out to someone will do you wonders. Or helping someone with something. Extending yourself to others. All counter-intuitive for you right now, and you will probably hate doing it first…but it works. At least for this alcoholic it does. It can be as simple as asking your neighbour or friend, or whomever “is there anything I can do for you?” And do it. I am constantly surprised at how much it helps me when I am in the dumps.

    Get back to basics – do what had kept you sober all this time. You don’t want to get on that roller coaster again. Reach out – not just here, but in the “real world”. it will do you wonders…especially if it’s the difference between drinking and staying sober.

    I will be thinking about you…you’re in my prayers tonight. 🙂

    Blessings,
    ulPal

    Reply

    • Sober Chick
      Nov 07, 2013 @ 14:08:41

      You said just what I needed to hear. Thank you for that. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. This disease is so baffling. Most of the time I am the encourager. But every now and then I am the one in need of. 🙂 I will try and get out of self today at work. I finally have a day off tomorrow. Maybe just resting tomorrow will help too. Thanks again my friend and have a super day. 🙂

      Reply

  3. Debbie
    Nov 07, 2013 @ 16:31:48

    We are so lucky to have such wonderful people as Paul and Robert. Great words of advise. I must print and keep handy in my tool box. I am so sorry about what you are going through. I feel it because I’m at 49 days but to have gone over a year and feel as you do. Be strong and hold out because you know this isn’t going to last forever. Hugs

    Reply

    • Sober Chick
      Nov 07, 2013 @ 19:38:47

      It won’t last forever, thanks for saying that. I did try to focus on other people today. It worked for a little while. I’m home from work now and just going to chill. Thank you for responding Debbie, and thank you for your support, it means alot!

      Reply

  4. Laura
    Nov 08, 2013 @ 02:05:17

    I don’t know if I have ever commented on your blog before, but I always appreciate your honesty and transparency. We need more of it in Christian circles. (I’ve experienced a lot of “put on a happy face” and hide struggles.) Saying “I’ll pray” can sound trite or lame, but please know I will pray for you Sober Chick. Grace and peace to you in the name of our Lord Jesus. And thanks for sharing your life with us.

    Reply

    • Sober Chick
      Nov 08, 2013 @ 15:28:16

      Thank you so much Laura! There are many times I’ve wanted to write about something but held back. This time is decided to write about it because I really don’t want to relapse. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am and have way too much to lose. I’m glad for your support and prayers. God bless you sister!

      Reply

  5. Noel
    Nov 08, 2013 @ 02:20:01

    Have you heard of “grounding”? It is a technique based on focusing on the present moment by concentrating on your present surrounding. You can do this by paying attention to your breathing, the nature outside your window, the decorations in your house, etc. Taking a warm bath or playing a game would also be ways to help you be distracted and think less about yourself and more about what is around you. It should also help you cope with cravings. Please let us know how you feel later.

    Reply

    • Sober Chick
      Nov 08, 2013 @ 15:29:37

      I have not heard of grounding but I am definitely going to try it. I have the day off work today and am concentrating on getting out of this funk I’m in. Thank you so much!

      Reply

  6. Jodi Lea
    Nov 08, 2013 @ 03:04:34

    When I start doing too much thinking, I call another alcoholic, or get to a meeting if I can. Because no matter how much your family, hubby or friends love you, only a fellow addict can understand your pain and help you do something about it.
    Even if you don’t know a soul at a meeting, you can feel at home and safe from yourself there. Meetings have really saved my stupid ass!
    Take care, and keep using the tools you have. Remember – it’s OK to ask for help!
    God Bless,
    J

    Reply

    • Sober Chick
      Nov 08, 2013 @ 15:34:10

      Thank you J and you’re right. I have found in the past if I let my family know how I am struggling they get EXTREMELY scared and worried and it’s not the kind of support I need at the moment. They don’t understand. And they’re response usually just stresses me out more. I don’t blame them of course because they just know the aftermath of a relapse because of what I’ve put them through. They were in fear of my death for so many years. So you’re totally right in saying only another addict will understand and give the kind of encouragement and support I need. Thank you so much. I am off work today and am laying low and doing some reading and relaxing. I am going to try this “grounding” thing Noel suggested. Thanks for commenting and God bless you too!

      Reply

  7. T
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 02:38:35

    I am reading backwards, I started with your feeling better post and now am to this one. I am a little behind on blog reading had a couple of knee surgeries over the past 9 weeks and seem to be behind on a lot of things. I am so sorry you are feeling this way in this post but so very thankful that the one after this one you are feeling better. I pray for you often and will continue. you can do all things with Christ he will give you the strength you need. God bless you

    Reply

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